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满分作文赏析 托福独立写作185-5

作者:极智批改网 来源:极智批改网 2014-04-03

摘要:

185-5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

 

New factories often bring many good things to a community, such as jobs and increased prosperity. However, in my opinion, the benefits of having a factory are outweighed by the risks. That is why I oppose the plan to build a factory near my community.


185-5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

 

New factories often bring many good things to a community, such as jobs and increased prosperity. However, in my opinion, the benefits of having a factory are outweighed by the risks. That is why I oppose the plan to build a factory near my community.


此段结构

   本段是一个分总的结构。首先第一句话写了本文讨论问题的一个社会背景和大众想法。后面第二句话对其进行了简要利弊分析。最后一句话写出了作者与众不同的观点,即反对在社区中建工厂。

   

此段功能

   本段是文章首段,对文章要讨论的内容提供了背景和社会上激烈讨论的话题,然后点明了作者立场,并提出论点。

   

 

I believe that my city would be harmed by a large factory. In particular, a factory would destroy the quality of the air and water in town. Factories bring smog and pollution. In the long run, the environment will be hurt and people’s health will be affected. Having a factory is not worth that consequence.


此段结构

   本段是一个总分总的结构。首先第一句话即点明了主旨。后面第二句话对主旨进行了简要分析。后面是补充的作者一些具体细节。最后一句话重申论点。

   

此段功能

   本段是文章的第二段,也就是正文第一段,写了支持作者立场的第一个分论点。

   

 

Of course, more jobs will be created by the factory. Our population will grow. To accommodate more workers, more homes and stores will be needed. Do we really want this much growth, so fast? If our town is going in growth, I would prefer slow growth with good planning. I don’t want to see rows of cheaply constructed townhouses. Our quality of life must be considered. I believe that this growth will change our city too much. I love my hometown because it is a safe, small town. It is also easy to travel here. If we must expand to hold new citizens, the small-town feel will be gone. I would miss that greatly.


此段结构  

   本段是一个分总的结构。本段分为两个小部分展开。首先第一句话提出了一个让步,承认了增加工厂确实对城市发展有一定的好处。后面进行了反问,作者自问自答,陈述了他认为这样的城市发展的好处也许并不是他们所期望的,进而佐证了本文的主论点。第二部分是作者的进一步发表对目前城市环境的大爱,表达了他不希望自己的家园因为工厂有更多更大的改变,进行了升华。

   

此段功能

   本段是文章的第三段,也就是正文第二段,写了支持作者立场的第二个分论点。

   

 

A factory would be helpful in some ways. However, I feel that the dangers are greater than the benefits. I cannot support a plan to build a factory here, and hope that others feel the same way.

 

满分因素剖析

 

一、语言方面

相对于其他满分作文,本文短小精悍,语言略显平淡。不过文章语句通顺,且没有语法错误,文章中也使用了复合句,被动语态,疑问句等句式,给文章增添色彩。大家可以看到,并不是所有满分作文都有华丽的语句,像本文这样语言平淡但是流畅通顺的文章也可以拿高分。那些还不能熟练驾驭高级单词和长难句的同学可以学学这篇文章的写法。

 

1. However, in my opinion, the benefits of having a factory are outweighed by the risks.

此句中,in my opinion是插入语,表示作者的观点。短语be outweighed by的意思为“被超过”,这种表达常在托福作文中的对比论证中出现。Be outweighed by 前后接事务的两个对立的方面,比如advantage vs disadvantage, profit vs loss, benefit vs risk等。

 

2. To accommodate more workers, more homes and stores will be needed.

此句中,to引导动词不定式短语,做目的状语。还可以用in order to和so as to引导目的状语从句,区别就是so as to不能放在句首。这种有to引导目的状语从句,主语用被动语态的写法常在托福作文中用来表示一种原因引起的一系列结果,引出一条很长的逻辑链。这种写法大家不妨学习一下。

 

二、结构方面

这篇文章的结构是它获得高分的重要因素。文章是非常简单的正正的大正形式,虽然短小,但是每一段展开都非常充分。以第二个正文段为例,第二个正文段进行了两步或者三步展开。显示让步地分析了建造工厂的优点,继而又否定了这个优点,陈述了自己不希望自己的家园有过多过快的改变。在论证时,文章使用了许多的对比,写出了建造工程后的利弊,做了很详尽的利弊分析。逻辑清晰,内容充实,这种正反对比论证的方法值得我们学习。


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